Tag Archives: depression

How Much is Too Much?

In today’s world of social media, how much is too much when it comes to writing about yourself?  We live in a new found openness where everything is “shared”, “tweeted”, or “liked”  Where everyone and their mom has a Facebook account, well not my mom, but she is subscribed to my blog.  What happened to those days where you weren’t supposed to air your dirty laundry in your front yard?  Now a days, I often find out that friends have gotten engaged or ended a marriage by checking a few boxes in their public profiles.

Now…what about me and this blog?

How much is too much when it comes to writing about me and my family?  I have more than once gotten in trouble by things that I have written either via Facebook status or here on a blog post.  I tend to be ruled by my emotions, and also have a harsh passive aggressive tongue.  However, in contrast, I have also been applauded for my openness and honesty on writing about some very personal and sensitive subjects.  I have started about half a dozen drafts and deleted them in fear that they might be too much.

So…how much is too much?

In a previous blog post entitled, “Blogglng Can Be Like Therapy,” I wrote that I used to think people were crazy to write about themselves in such personal ways on the internet.  Here I am!  I am one of them.  Just today alone, I have already posted five times on Facebook.  Once this blog is published, it will be six times.

Yesterday I was overcome by a combination of utter exhaustion and about one hundred and one emotions all at the same time.  I found myself crying in our car in a popular posh shopping venue.  I sat there for over an hour wallowing in self pity and made my husband take our kids to meet my friends.  I can’t explain what caused  my melt down.  Maybe I’m depressed, maybe I’m under stimulated, maybe I’m lonely, maybe I’m about to start my period.  I suppose it is probably a combination of all of the above.  Maybe I’ll let a professional decide that.

Some people might read this and think, “Wow!  What a whiny  spoiled brat.  She is in a marriage  where many women would probably trade their left lung for.  She gets to spend her day playing with her two kids in a house in the suburbs planning play dates and parties.”

After reading Stephen Covey’s “Seven Habbits of Highly Effective People,” I have decided that I will no longer let the fear of what people think rule what I do.  I am going to write a personal mission statement and then together we will write our family mission statement.  I will write more blogs, work out more for my physical and mental health, read more Braille so I don’t loose a skill I had to fight to learn, and just overall be a better person.

So…was that too much?

October Reflections

As I looked at myself in the mirror this morning while I was brushing my teeth, it really hit me how much my life has changed.  I was slightly hung over from the margaritas I had at the concert the night before.  I had dark circles around my eyes, thanks to the lack of sleep that accompanies motherhood.  My husband was stretching on the bedroom floor, son babbling in his room down the hall, and daughter snoring in my bed.  I couldn’t help but smile and thank my lucky stars for such a wonderful way to start a day.

My first time in Las Vegas was in October of 2005.  My then boyfriend, now husband of five years, was moving here for work and I decided to keep him company on his drive out.  I was still in college, doing the clubbing, shopping, cramming, and sleeping in until noon on weekends lifestyle.  As he decided to leave Sacramento, I too decided that I was ready for a change.  I had just attended my first NFB of California State Convention and realized that my, “Fake it till you make it,” philosophy was not working as well as I wanted it too.  I decided that I was going to put the rest of college on hold and learn Braille, and did so by becoming a student at the Louisiana Center for the Blind just a few months later.

In October of 2006, I left LCB and my safe bubble of friends who lived just a few doors away with positive blindness philosophy oozing out of my pores, and stepped off the plane into the next three years which would be filled with depression, denial, and distancing.

If you know me at all, then you know that I am a social butterfly.  I thrive with the company of others.  I am always smiling and love to share it with just about anyone.  But, I had know idea what moving to Las Vegas was going to be like.  I didn’t know anyone besides my husband and his twenty year old sister, who had her own social life that I had rather not tag along on.  All of the confidence that I’d gained in Louisiana seemed to disappear after a month or so.  I started to sink more and more into depression the more and more I allowed myself to stay isolated.  This is probably why I volunteered so much time and energy with the NFB.  So much time and energy that it started to take a real strain on my marriage.  I was gone all of the time.  I jumped at any chance to hop on a plane taking me to events all over the country.  I even left for a summer internship in Baltimore right after we got back from our honeymoon.

Then in October of 2009, I was just weeks from having a baby, house hunting, putting together a state convention, and feeling like I was the ball in the pinball machine getting tossed all over the place.  I didn’t realize how much having a baby would change my life, she was the anchor to steady me and keep me grounded,

On October 8, 2011 the last piece of the puzzle was put into place when my son was born.  Yes, exactly one year ago, I was holding my brand new baby boy wishing that time would stand still.

But of course it didn’t, and it is now October 2012.  My son has just turned one and tonight his big sister helped him blow out his candle on a mini cheesecake.  He is now walking, actually running all over the house chasing his sister and our dog, sometimes going so fast he forgets how to slow down or stop and runs into walls.  I have made so many incredible friends whom I love and consider like family.  And we will all be celebrating Jackson’s first birthday this Saturday in the form of a pirate party complete with bounce house and all.

I might not have a killer body, six digit pay check, drive a fancy car, or wear designer clothes, but this is the  life.  I could never possibly ask for anything more.  And I am so thankful for everything and everyone that I have in my life.

How I Went From Being Depressed and Feeling Isolated, to Being Productive and Feeling Empowered. Part 2

So how did I manage to get myself out of that funk?  I joined my first mommy meet up group.  My daughter had just turned 9 months and she needed to learn how to socialize with other babies, and her mama desperately needed some mommy friends.  Image

I was very nervous before my first meet up.  It was almost like I was the new student all over again in high school.  What were these women going to be like?  Will they like me?  Will I like them?  What will they think of me?

I was meeting a few other moms at Child’s Play, an indoor play gym, located about 12 miles away.  I sent the organizer of the group an email letting her know that I wouldn’t be able to find her in a crowd, and let her know what I would be wearing so that she could look for me.  My husband dropped us off and said to call him when I was done.  I’m pretty sure he stood outside and watched us for a few minutes to make sure I wasn’t meeting some crazy psycho moms.  My daughter and I proceeded to play by ourselves.  No one came up looking for me.  There were a few other children about her age, and I started talking to their moms.  It wasn’t until we were getting ready to leave when the organizer of the group showed up.  She was very nice, so the fact that she was an hour late didn’t bother me much.

I joined a few other meet up groups, but I was often faced with the problem of not having transportation.  This is when I began to open up my house and host weekly play dates.  we turned our front room into a play room and had about 6 – 10 mom and their kids over once a week.

I soon had a great group of mommy friends and my daughter had lots of other kids around her age to play with.  A few of the women lived in our neighborhood and often offered us a ride to play dates.

I was now starting to feel like my old self, no longer feeling depressed or isolated.  I had fun meeting new mommies going through the same things I was going through.  I was looking forward to planning events, parties, and going out with the ladies for our mom’s night outs.

All of a sudden, that original mommy group I joined had over 100 members and I had only personally met about 20 or so moms.  It made me a little nervous that there were so many people out there knowing what we were doing and when we were doing it.  So this is the reason I decided to start my own group.

Southern Highlands Moms, Babies, and Tots is meant to bring together both working and stay at home moms who live in or near our small community.  We are all moms going through the same things and can often use a girlfriend to talk to , cry on, and laugh with.  We don’t just meet for play dates.  We have family BBQ’s, attend each others’ children’s birthday parties, and have the occasional well deserved mom’s night out.  The goal of the group is to connect moms with each other, and build friendships for ourselves, our children, and our families.

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To those working moms out there who are reading this and thinking, so this is it?  She’s happy and feeling productive because she’s planning a few play dates and going out for the occasional drink with her mommy friends? That’s not at all what I’m trying to say.

What has changed, is the fact that I feel like I belong again.  I realized that my passion and purpose in life are my children.  I am there for them every waking and sleeping minute.  Every conscious and subconscious decision is made with them in mind.

I have found the meaning of life and have chosen to share it with the world.

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